Murder she wrote

Dear Friends

I went to the dentist recently for a filling in an upper left molar. I had noticed a sensitivity in that area so when at the hygienist for a once over and clean, I asked her to check it out. She agreed it needed work, and an appointment was made to see the lovely Yvonne (best dentist ever) a couple of weeks hence. On the morning of the appointment as I was going through my calendar I remembered, oh right, I have a dentists’ appointment at 11.30 so I’ll need to leave work at such and such a time to factor in the travel. All very ordinary right?

On the surface, all very ordinary. What is extraordinary is what you can’t see.  For most of my life the thought of going to the dentist would cause me to break out in a sweat. My heart rate would increase as the adrenaline began coursing through my body; my brain would be rapidly assessing the situation as my eyes darted around the room looking for a possible means of escape.

I know I’m not alone in this.  I am of the generation of the SCHOOL DENTAL NURSE. She of the TREADLE DRILL aka THE BUZZER! She of the white cap thing, white dress, matching stockings and shoes teamed with the red cardigan. She who MUST be OBEYED. She who wielded such power over her clinic queendom and terrified the bejesus out of us all. She who drilled and filled. No-one was spared.


Mary is my homegirl: Circa 1956

Picture this.  A classroom of twenty or so 8 year olds going about their day. The adult in the room, a nun in the black and white regalia of the Dominican Order, complete with those big rosary beads that hang from the waist, swishes slowly by our desks. Sister Mary Rose is talking as she walks. Telling us a story in her soft Irish brogue.  We love a story and she tells it well. United we listen. The sun streams in through the windows. Blue sky and puffy white clouds outside. All is well.

There is a knock and the door opens. A smiling kid from another class is standing there. His presence takes us by surprise, and, as we come to, we realise there is an envelope in his hands. There is a collective intake of breath. We know what this means. It’s a summons. From the ‘murder house.’  Whose name is in that envelope? Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!! And as the terrible possibility sinks in, we are no longer a collective. We are individuals. The fear divides us, and it’s every kid for themselves, hoping upon hope their name is not in that envelope of doom. The sky darkens as they contemplate it may be their turn to embark on that long lonely terrifying walk to the murder house…  Eeeeeeeeeeekkk!!!!

As I grew older and escaped the powerlessness of primary school, I managed my way through life by doing by what I did best. Pretending anything I was afraid of or didn’t like was not happening, or did not apply to me. So that meant ignoring any signs my teeth may need treatment and hoping it would all go away. Keeping this a secret and feeding the fear.

Twelve years later and I’m living in Auckland, flouting convention in a ‘mixed flat’. It’s 1967 and we are very daring group of six. There is a lot of alcohol being consumed. Three of us are at University studying something literary, I’m working as a law clerk, and the other two are school dental nurses. Yes, you read it right.  I was living with not one, but two, school dental nurses!!  FFS!! Still dressed in their whites, they would swap stories at the dinner table. Can you see where this is going? Re traumatised in my own home as I sat silently while they casually caught each other up with their murderous workaday, recounting how so and so was misbehaving and how they let the drill slip so the kid would know who was the queen of the clinic… At least I think that’s what they said…?


Work stories – the drill and slip…I think ..?

That was it for me and I only ever visited a dental surgery when desperation drove me.  Even then, driven by severe pain into those antiseptic-smelling waiting rooms with their sweaty out of date magazines and annoying fish tanks, upon hearing the sound of the drill in the next room, I have been known to do a runner. The terror, the trauma, prevented me from taking care of myself…

I spent many years in active addiction running from physical, mental, spiritual and emotional pain. Opiates/alcohol/cannabis/benzos were helpful. As you can imagine, there were bugger all dentists visits. Usually for an emergency extraction. Interestingly, if I happened to be in another country, the dentist would look in my mouth then ask if I was from NZ. They knew!  They recognised the mercury overkill.

I stopped using alcohol and other drugs and began learning that recovery is much more than abstinence. It’s about connecting with others, giving back to the community and taking care of my self. Which includes dental hygiene. During an initial awful experience in the emergency dentists’ chair somewhere in Ponsonby whereby the local anaesthetic wasn’t working and the dentist wasn’t listening, instead, giving more and more injections despite my protestations, I resolved to find one who understood me. By this time, I had friends who were not afraid and who took regular care and I reckoned I could learn to do that too. And I did. I found one and he said, as I told of my recent experience “that’s because of the adrenaline in the anaesthetic. It doesn’t work for some people and sounds like you are one of them so I will not use that with you.” I cried with relief. And on that day, I made a decision and began to forge a new neural pathway.

I changed direction. The journey continues…


I wonder if there is a transgenerational trauma thing going on in my family? Or did I teach my daughters to be afraid of the dentist by my (in)actions and fears? History repeats itself and they avoid going at all costs. Thanks to neuroplasticity (you can teach an old dog new tricks) I’ve developed an excellent trusting relationship with Yvonne the dentist. This does not seem to have made the slightest difference to the daughters – they still envisage a visit to the dentist as paralleling the Steve Martin excerpt from Little Shop of Horrors. (you can check it out here if you dare, by pressing the link). So this is a topic of which we must never speak… hehe.


Me and the daughters not speaking about the dentist



  1. Ian Thomson · ·

    Most were unaware that the “nurse” was not allowed to operate on 2nd teeth. One drilled into one of mine and mum, a registered nurse, lost it. The same funding provided for the murder house entitled us to one or two visits to a dentist , per year, so we were rescued. However, I wonder how many take up that job, because they enjoy inflicting pain and fear ?
    Not all, but some.
    About 25 years ago , some of my teeth got partially broken.
    A dentist did a temporary patch on them, proceeded to drill all over the rest of my mouth and then fixed the damaged teeth after using up all my health insurance. He then gave me a bill.
    I was not surprised, recently, to be told by one of his friends that, while White Water Rafting in NZ , the dentist, (now retired young, surprise surprise ). pushed him out of the raft for a “joke” and he nearly drowned.
    You do stir the memories Suz. Well done mate.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. me too Steve xx


  3. Glad you got your teeth fixed

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good point Gina!!
    Facing into the fear of a prospective dentist visit, and how to take care, could be included as part of a relapse prevention plan perhaps??


  5. Gina Hartley · ·

    Same experience. I could not go to the dentist unless I was full of self administered pain relief. Actually toothache is what set of my first relapse.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The fear was debilitating indeed Nikki and I held on to it for many years, despite some positive experiences with dentists along the way. The fear overode everything else. Thank god for other people who show me the way x


  7. Suzi Q. Once when called to the murder house, I ran home! We didn’t have those nuns hanging over us so we were lucky. But the fear was debilitating.
    Mum always used to say that the injections were far worse than the actual drill itself, so for YEARS I didn’t even have injections. But we did have a lovely family dentist who, in his later years when I was still going to see him, liked a drink or 10. Thanks for the memories. X

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks Moni xx
    And memories of the Murder House seem to stay with us. Tucked away somewhere.
    Thought I’d give them an outing hehe


  9. Cute pic of you as a little girl, Suzie! I remember the Murder House!! xx


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