Driven

Dear Readers

I’ve been taking a break from social media this year and it has been great. Mostly. The downside has been no blogging. The earth has nearly completed another circuit around the sun. I’ve been doing bits and pieces of writing here and there. None here. The ageing process has carried on regardless and I continue to come to terms with the reality that no-one gets out of here alive. Thank Christ I am in recovery from addiction, because in groups I go to I am reminded to stay teachable, live well and remember not to take myself seriously. Anyway, this happened.

There I was, enjoying the moment. It was the first day of Spring. The early morning sun shone through the open bathroom window and across the mirror, bathing me in light. I was standing easy in my underwear, warm from the shower, applying face moisturiser and feeling the love. All was well in the world. Sunshine. Birdsong. Gentle breeze. You get the picture

I glanced down. What’s that? Is that bruise there on my inner thigh? How did that happen? Hmmm not a bruise a shadow? No? It’s not a sag is it? I turned this way and that way in the bright morning light examining my legs from all angles. Definitely a sag right there. Jesus! Another one to add to the collection. Was it there yesterday? I can’t remember? And look there’s a matching one on my other thigh. For fucks sake it’s a new sag! And with that rude reminder of the loss of youth and beauty came the cold stab of grief to the heart.

Next minute I was gone. Head first into unknown territory where the road is dark and narrow. Fleeing from the spectre of old age. I’d been down roads like this before, in the drivers’ seat of a clapped out old heap, negotiating my way through the middle of fucking nowhere on my own with nothing to keep me company but the story of my inevitable decline. And I knew how this story would end. It ends with me in a few short years, broken-arsed and living in a bus-stop, cold and unloved, one withered claw beseeching passers-by to give me two dollars and the other clutching a bottle of cheap vodka, with only pigeons for company. Oh, the pain the pain the pain what is the fucking point? was the silent lament as my mood began to swerve towards a precipice. I may as well give up now. There is no point in going on. And so on and so forth ad infinitum.

I felt constricted and realised I’d been holding my breath. As I exhaled there was a break in transmission. I was able to recognise what was going on and intervene in the tedious monologue. That wee glimmer of light showed me there was another way. I applied the brakes, did a three-point turn and headed back where I came from.

I arrived in the bathroom and was standing in front of the mirror with both feet on the ground. The sun was still shining. I could hear the birds.

When I look in the mirror from the vantage point of seven decades on this spinning blue marble, and I notice the physical evidence of ageing, the thought arises “but I don’t feel old” and in a sense this is so. The mind, heart and spirit exist outside of time. Yet the body keeps the score and the skin steadily slides south. Ageing can be a bitch and that’s okay. I can handle it and appreciate the fact. So long as I don’t get swept away into someone else’s standard of beauty and find myself wanting to be anywhere but ‘here’. Driven by the self-centred fear of loss and death. That’s the bitch part. I don’t want to go there. Here is where I want to be. Free and fully alive. At home in my body. Where the love lives.

Laughing cat

I don’t have a photo of me in front of a mirror or driving a car so here’s a photo of a laughing cat

 

 

 

 

14 comments

  1. Thank you Lizi
    I appreciate the support

    Like

  2. Thank you dear Jo
    I miss you
    Sounds like big changes in your life there in Las Vegas.
    And what is that with buying stamps in USA. When I was there I queued for stamps only to find I’d got the wrong sort and I re queued only to be told they didn’t sell the international ones which I needed for cards…

    If I was there I would be coming to the Neon Museum to one of those programs xx

    Like

  3. Thanks Jeff
    And yes. God bless recovery x

    Like

  4. Thank you for your support and encouragement Andrea
    A moment in time woven into a story
    Practice xx

    Like

  5. Thank you
    And I hear you
    My bottom teeth were looking worn and I had them filled and no one else has noticed. I’m glad I did though – it was for me.

    Like

  6. oooooh I think I’ve just sussed out how to reply individually. Its taken a while – I like that I’m still teachable

    Thanks Jer

    Yes its a process of letting go odaat. And so on and so forth as my Auntie Barbara used to say

    S xx

    Like

  7. Dear Raspberry
    Thank you
    I missed blogging – still haven’t sussed out how to blog and not be on social media…

    Like

  8. Great blog as always Suzy. We missed you!

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Jerry Lynch · ·

    Nice one Suzy… I don’t feel old either, until I try to do what I could easily do a few years ago and find that I am simply unable to… The mind is willing but the flesh is weak… you are right of course, acceptance is the key….

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Great and such a timely affirmation…the sun came out as i red it .i had my teeth whitened recently,no one noticed but it made me quite happy. They sit in an increasingly lined and sagging bald head within which is this youthful spirit , and I have been having this feeling that I am more alive now than I was at the peak of my youth…recovery from addiction..thank Christ for that ,and “Aging can be a bitch “ xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  11. artkelland · ·

    Simply gorgeous writing and exposure of your sentiments on ageing!!so courageous and hopeful!!!
    Love your work!!!!

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Jeffrey Morris · ·

    Fucking brilliant, expresses how it is in away I can’t . The mindset of l don’t feel the age my body looks. God bless recovery. Thanks young lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. info@jkruss.com · ·

    Thank you dear Suzy, so good to receive this in my inbox. Yes, it is tough for sure. I adore your beautiful self! I have a card in my bag ready to send to you but our international stamps got lost in the move and I have not managed to get to a post office to line up for hours to get some more. Meanwhile your card gets more and more mangled and I might have to just start fresh. Anyway, know I am thinking of you! I have been working too much actually, things feel out of balance. I did go to a “convening” learning about skill-based “Creative Aging” arts programs and alll the benefits for people. We will have 3 upcoming thru the Neon Museum ed program – Poetry, Visual Arts and Performance – 8 weeks each. The museum has received grant funding as part of a nation wide museum program. And I love your cat photo! Much love to u! Xoxo Jo

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Lizi Reese · ·

    Love your work! Good to see you back. Keep it coming xx

    Liked by 1 person

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